“They” is a plural. Some people use it as a singular. That is incorrect English. As someone who had weight problems as a child, I still feel insulted if someone refers to me as, “they.” As the great comic Fluffy, who once came to Cluj, said, “I ate myself into a plural.”
Now, there are cases where “they” and “their” can be used as a singular. In those same cases, “it” can be used to refer to a gendered noun.
The doorbell rings.
- Pat(*)
- “Who is it?”
- Chris(*)
- “I don’t know. It must be one of your friends.”
- Pat
- “Whoever it is, tell them I’m busy.”
We see here, that “it” and “they” is the same person. We assume “it” is a human, and we assume that that human is either a “he” or “she.” How is that possible that we use “they” and “it” to refer to a singular individual who has a gender?
Well, the case is what we call anonymity or uncertainty. We aren’t sure whether it is only one person, a group of people, a male person, a female person, or perhaps an animal has rung the doorbell or the wind made it go off.
If we are not sure who someone is, or we do not want to reveal the identity of that person, we often use “they.” For instance, if a store was robbed, and we can’t tell whether the suspect was male or female from the first run of CCTV footage, then we might say, “they were wearing a dark hoodie.” Of course, it is better to avoid pronouns altogether and say, “the suspect was wearing a dark hoodie.” Otherwise, we might think of two people sharing a hoodie, or the two headed monster from Sesame Street. If we digitally enhance the footage, and we know that the suspect was Mike from Marketing, then we refer to the suspect as “he.” If it was Juliet from Engineering, then we refer to the suspect as “she.”
If we are talking about the current mayor of Cluj, Emil Boc, we use “he.” But, if we are talking about the duties of the mayor of Cluj, and it could refer to anybody who is elected, we don’t know if the mayor will be a “he.” Although we used to use a neutral “he,” that went out of fashion sometime in the late 20th century. (But many people still use the neutral he.) Then we started using the “he/she,” or (s)he, and many of us now say, “they.” Who knows, maybe in the future, there will be two mayors who do a job-share.
Likewise, anytime we could use “they” to refer to a singular, we can also use “it” in another sentence. You have to get used to the language to know what sounds right. “Tell them.” But “who is it?” If you say, “tell it” then we think the it doesn’t refer to the person being told, but the thing that is being said. Likewise, if you say, “who are they” we assume that you already know there is more than one person, and maybe can already see those people.
We can also use “it” when there is a degree of certainty. “It must be your sister.” When we have a question of who is somewhere (on the phone, at the door, on a video call), the expression “who is it” means that the “it” can also be in the answer. “Who is it?” “It’s me.” “It better not be one of those telemarketers.”
Now, some people want to use a “they” and “their” in a case of certainty. Many of these people have mental problems, or have been ideologically polarised. Some are just used to it (the improper use of they) because they hear a lot of improper English. However, it is extremely unclear. (Using they when you know who is being spoken about is unclear). If you use “they” to refer to an individual, it sounds like you don’t know who that person is.
Even if you wish to use a gender neutral pronoun, you have other options. There is the English “one” which can be used to refer to oneself or to a person in general. Some use “you” in the same way, although that can also be confusing. Think of the French “on.”
But let’s rephrase the first sentence of the last paragraph. If one wishes to use a gender neutral pronoun, one has other options. One cannot be used in the other cases. “Who is one?” sounds like something from a sci-fi. Either Star Trek or The Prisoner come to mind. “Tell one I’m not here” also doesn’t quite work, but it’s not as confusing.
But where did the “them” really come from in “tell them I’m busy?” A lot of people say, “tell ‘m I’m busy.” When you speak quickly, “him” and “them” sound similar. So, in old movies, when you think people are saying “them” those characters are usually saying “him.” So, sorry, even if you continue to use “them” some people will think you mean to say “him” and that you just have an accent.
Perhaps you could use gender neutral pronouns from another language, like the Hungarian “ő.” I’ve heard that 60 percent of the world’s languages do not have gendered pronouns. While speaking, Chinese doesn’t gender it’s pronouns (the written gendered pronouns are relatively recent, and stem from the desire to translate from other languages.)
Now, translate the following sentence into Hungarian:
Romeo took Juliet to the park because they don’t like sitting inside all day.
Does “they” refer to Romeo, or to Juliet, or to both? See how confusing using “they” all the time can be? At least in Hungarian, you can use cases to differentiate. And we always know ők is not ő. But if you are used to using “he” and “she” when you know who you are talking about, then the reader knows that “they” refers to both Romeo and Juliet.
What is the easy solution? If you know who you are talking about, there is no need to use a pronoun at all. The more you know about a person, the more you can use gender neutral nouns. “The teacher,” “the mayor.” And anyway, 99.9999999995 percent of people don’t really care if they are “misgendered” by accident. Just explain that English pronouns are difficult. Those that get offended, well, you can live without them.
(*) Pat and Chris are gender neutral names taken from the 20th century Saturday Night Live skit, “It’s Pat.” Romeo and Juliet are characters in a Shakespeare play.